Lose It All
by NuttyElla
Summary: Threepart oneshot. What happens when you just lose it?
1. Scars

**A/N:** This is a oneshot, but it has two parts. Um, there's some language, so be forewarned.That's about it, so I hope you read it and like it! Please review if you want the second part!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star, Tommy, Jude, or the song "Scars" by Papa Roach.

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****Part 1: Stupid**

He was weaving through traffic, one hand casually on the wheel as he jerked it back and forth, maneuvering between the other cars. As for a speed limit? It didn't exist in his world. His electric blue baby could leave any cop that tried to challenge him in the dust.

Bored and restless, he switched on the radio. The song on the current station annoyed him, so he turned on scan, hoping for a decent song to be playing. A familiar voice soon caught his attention.

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
My weakness is that I care too much  
And my scars remind me that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel... _

Hearing the words, he pressed his foot down on the accelerator.

_...I tried to help you once  
Against my own advice  
I saw you going down  
But you never realized  
That you're drowning in the water  
So I offered you my hand  
Compassion's in my nature  
Tonight is our last stand... _

The lights from buildings flew by faster and faster and became a yellow blur.

_...Cause you're drowning in the water  
And I tried to grab your hand  
And I left my heart open  
But you didn't understand  
But you didn't understand  
Go fix yourself... _

The indicator on the speedometer continued to increase...65, 70, 75, 80, 85.

_...I can't help you fix yourself  
But at least I can say I tried  
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life  
I can't help you fix yourself  
But at least I can say I tried  
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life..._

And he just kept going and going and going, like the energizer bunny.

_...I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut  
My weakness is that I care too much  
And my scars remind me that the past is real  
I tear my heart open just to feel... _

But then he suddenly stopped.

**_...And that was Jude Harrison, the Instant Star from eight years ago, with her new single "Scars." Now on to the local weather forecast..._**

Because the light turned red.

He switched the radio off again. Anger began to boil through his veins. Without a second thought, he swerved through two lanes until he reached the median. Once there was a break in the cement barrier he smoothly completed a 180, despite the sign that had a giant "U" in a red circle crossed out.

xxxxx

Coming to a screeching halt in his driveway, he leapt from his car and stormed up to the front door of his gigantic house. He grabbed the handle and shoved inward with his shoulder, unexpectedly being repelled backwards as the lock was strained against the doorframe. Shouting an expletive, he flipped through his key ring until coming to the correct key and jamming it in the keyhole. After flinging open the door, he stormed up the staircase towards the master bedroom.

This time, the door wasn't locked when he yanked on it. He gazed around the dark room, then flipped the switch to turn the lights on.

At the sudden brightness, a figure stirred in the bed, trying to rouse from the deep sleep which had consumed them until this abrupt intrusion.

Seeing the movement, he yelled, "What the hell was that?"

The shouting didn't startle the aroused, merely hastened her sitting up, revealing long, silky waves of auburn hair. After rubbing her eyes, she pushed her hair out of her face and blinked rapidly, trying to adjust her eyes to the bright light.

"Well? Answer me, dammit!"

Still, she didn't reply, not having fully escaped from her sweet dreams and regained consciousness to this contemptible world.

"Tommy?" she asked softly. "What's going on? What time is it?"

"Who cares what fucking time it is! Now answer me!"

Finally completely awake from her reverie, she began to comprehend the situation. Releasing a weary sigh, she calmly asked, "What was what?"

Her calm demeanor had the opposite effect and only fueled his rage. "Don't play stupid with me! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

Apparently her patience was at an all time low this night, because she immediately snapped. "Don't you dare call me stupid! I'm not the one who comes home at"--she glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand--"two o'clock in the morning and barges into our bedroom yelling while someone is obviously trying to sleep! And I don't know what the hell you're talking about, because obviously if I did I wouldn't have to ask you!"

Tommy ground his teeth, every fiber of his being overwhelmed with an incredible anger. "Fine. I'm talking about your song. Explain it. Now."

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific than that, Tommy, because I have over a hundred songs. I'm not psychic; how am I supposed to know which one you're talking about?"

"Jude, you don't wanna get smart with me right now. And I mean your new song, 'Scars' or something like that. What is that shit supposed to be? And why haven't I heard it before?"

"Because you haven't been around, you're always drunk. Believe it or not, I still have a job to do at the studio, which is writing and recording songs. I wrote that one last week and recorded it and then released it, ok?"

"You still haven't explained it."

"Well what do you want me to say about it?"

"I don't know, something along the lines of who it's about and what caused you to write it. 'Cause I know you Jude and you don't write songs for no reason."

"Is that the only thing you've learned about me in the three years that we've been married?" she questioned, removing herself from the bed and walking slowly towards her husband, her gaze never wavering from his. He didn't say anything. "Is it, Tommy? Tell me."

Tommy continued to stare right back at her. "No, it's not--"

"Well that's good I guess, because you know, you could ask just about anyone that and they'd tell you the same thing about me. And you knew that about me before I had even turned sixteen."

"Jude, just shut up! Don't try and switch topics on me and make me feel guilty because our marriage sucks, just tell me about the song before I get really angry!"

"And what, you're not really angry right now? Could've fooled me..."

"JUST TELL ME WHAT THE DAMN SONG IS ABOUT!"

"Fine--it's about you! Practically all of my songs have been, anyway. But this one's different, and obviously you noticed that, because you've never made a fuss about any of my other songs before."

His eyes grew darker, but that was the only noticeable change in him. "Go on."

"Isn't is obvious? It's about you and your drinking, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you! I tried to get you to go through rehab but that didn't work and every other idea I came up with failed, too. I don't know what else to do! I want you to just stop, all of it! The song was just a way for me to let it out, ok? Now can I please go to bed? I have to be at the studio by 8 tomorrow."

She dropped her head in defeat and exhaustion as she turned away from him and headed back towards the bed that she had vacated only moments earlier. But after only a couple of steps his voice stopped her.

Venom and scorn dripped from his voice as the words exploded from his mouth. "What is the matter with you, Jude? I know my drinking can be a problem sometimes, but I've tried so hard to fix it, and it took enough energy as it was to deal once the press got hold of it. What do you think they're going to conclude from that song? We're going to be eaten alive! My God, how stupid can you be?"

It was the last sentence that got to Jude. Her tone was steel as she responded to his outburst. "I thought I told you not to call me stupid, Tommy. Was I not clear enough when I said that?"

He simply sneered. "I can call you whatever the hell I want."

"And what makes you think you can do that?" Jude asked as she slowly revolved around until she was facing him once again.

"Because, Jude. You're my wife. You're mine. And I can call you whatever I feel like."

"You're wrong, Tommy." That was it, that was the last straw. "I'm not yours. Not anymore." With that she grabbed the ring on her left hand and twisted it until it was loose enough to slide off. "I'm done with this, with you. I can't take any more shit from you and I won't. We're done, you blew it."

Once the ring came free, Jude held it in front of her face and stared at it for a moment, taking in the beautiful stones and their exquisite quality and cut. Giving a harsh laugh, she made as if to throw it at him but, on second thought, twisted until she could see the trash can in the corner of the room. In a seemingly careless move, she tossed the ring into the metal bin where it landed with a dull, resounding thud.


	2. The Red Button

**A/N: **Changed my mind. This is now a _three_-part oneshot. I know, I know, I'm an idiot sometimes. Umm, I can'tthinkof much to say except I'm working on the third and final part, hopefully it will be out soon. I know this is a lot shorter than the first partand itwould've been longer but I decided to split it into two parts, hence there being athird one. Please R&R and don't hate me at the end!

xx

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**Part 2: The Red Button**

Her head was still turned towards the final resting place of the ring. She didn't notice him stalking up behind her, like a cat hunting it's prey.

She didn't see his eyes, and the malicious fire burning in them.

She didn't hear the thoughts swirling through his head, telling him what to do, what he had to do.

She didn't feel the movement of his hands being raised upwards, closer and closer to her shoulders, neck, and head.

She didn't...until it was too late.

Tommy's hands finally rested on the back of Jude's neck, where they began to squeeze and press and rub the muscles in an attempt to ease the tension that was built up there.

"Calm down, Jude, let's be rational about this. Let's just talk for now, ok?"

"Calm down?" She turned around and brushed his hands off of her. "Are you seriously telling _me_ to calm down! And we're not going to talk about it."

"And why is that?"

"Because there's nothing left to say!"

"Oh, I think there is, Jude," Tommy replied with the hint of a threat in his voice.

"Well that's too bad for you, because there isn't. What do you not get about what I just did? My wedding ring is in the trash, just like our marriage is. It's over. End of story."

"No it's not."

"Now why would you think that? Have I not been clear enough? 'Cause you know, Tommy, I don't think I can get any clearer than that."

"We're not over, Jude. We can't be and we never will be. We'll always be together. We love each other. It took us so long to get here; we're not going to just brush it off."

"I don't love you."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't. I love Tommy--but you're not him. The Tommy I knew and fell in love with disappeared a long time ago. Maybe I loved you, but not anymore. And it doesn't matter that much because I'm not sure if you ever really did love me in the first place."

"How can you say that?"

"Well how could you ever have said you loved me? Huh, Tommy? Because you know what? It was a **lie**. I just can't believe it took me this long to figure it out."

"I've always loved you, Jude. And I'm _not_ a liar."

"Oh, apparently Little Tommy Q doesn't like the truth, probably because he's never told it to anyone before and doesn't know what it is," Jude taunted, knowing she was just putting more pressure on his big red button.

His voice was steel as he answered. "What did I tell you, on the day we met for Christ's sake, about calling me that?"

"Holy crap, Tommy, get over it. It's a nickname from _years_ ago. Grow up."

_Click_.

She didn't predict it, see it, hear it, or even feel it until he was right there. Right there, with his hands clamped around her neck, squeezing. Right there, shoving her against the wall and lifting her tiny frame up higher and higher. Right there...

Jude's eyes were wide, fear clearly visible in the sparkling blue. It only urged him on. He felt powerful, and in control. He was the one making the decisions now, not her.

Her hands were grasping at his, trying to pull them away. She knew even trying was futile, and her body was running out of oxygen. It was almost over.

He had lifted her far enough up the wall by now that her feet were dangling. It occurred to her that she could strike out with her foot and kick him where she knew she could do some damage. But she didn't. Because, even after the hell of the past years, the problems with alcohol, and even this very second...

She still loved him.

She couldn't escape it.

She would _always_ love him, no matter what.

With this realization, she just gave up. The fear left her eyes and was replaced by sadness. How did it come to this?

She'd let him do whatever he wanted to her, as long as it was what he wanted. If it meant the end of her life to make him happy, so be it.

He noticed something change in her eyes. He couldn't figure it out exactly, but something was different. And she had stopped struggling. Why?

While his mind was trying to understand the change in her, his hands slipped a little and his grip on her neck was loosened.

It was just enough for her. With the last bit of air in her body, she managed to breath out two syllables.

"Tommy..."

Before, she wasn't struggling. Now she was limp, dead weight. And he finally figured out the secret of her eyes.

The fear was gone. There was sadness after the fear, and then...love? How could there be love in her eyes while he...while he...

"Jude!"

Two bodies crumpled to the floor, one conscious, the other...


	3. The Feeling

**A/N: **Finally, the third and final part, the one you've all been waiting for. It's...different from the previous two parts. It might be confusing or hard to understand, and if it is please let me know! It's also longer, but I hope you like it. Sorry it took so long to get out. Please read and review when you finish, I live off of feedback! I'm really glad everyone has liked it so far!

xx

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**Part 3: The Feeling**

His breathing was labored and ragged; the sheets were beginning to become soaked with sweat. Opening his blue eyes, he glanced at the clock. _4:19 AM_. After blinking a few couple of times to refocus his eyes, Tommy gently removed himself from the bed and left the room.

Once in the kitchen, he ignored the light switch and headed straight for the refrigerator. Pulling the door open, he reached for a dark brown bottle, filled with his poison.

Tommy shuffled to the island and placed the bottle on the black granite countertop as he seated himself on a stool. He stared at it, the thing that taunted him without mercy. Finally, he reached out and grabbed his tormentor, pulling off the small metal cap that released the all too familiar scent of his poison.

He brought the bottle to his lips, contemplating whether he should begin the long descent down, which would inevitably result with him at the bottom. Tommy lifted the bottle higher and higher, his poison coming closer and closer to its prey. It was almost there..._so close_.

But before the beer touched his lips, he lowered the bottle, realizing what he was actually doing. Shaking his head, he replaced the bottle in its former spot on the counter. Once again, Tommy stared at the brown bottle, but this time his thoughts were completely different.

He got up and went to the kitchen sink, bottle in tow. Surprisingly, he didn't feel as much satisfaction as he thought he would as he watched the liquid swirl down the drain. Once the bottle was empty, Tommy put it down and tried to figure out what was wrong, what he still needed to do.

Once the answer finally hit him, Tommy could've smacked himself because it was so obvious. He turned away from the kitchen sink and headed towards his destination, knowing he was doing the right thing.

xxxxx

There were two piles of bottles, one on the right side of the sink, the other on the left. As each bottle was emptied, it was placed on the left side of the sink, where it waited to be joined by the others it had left behind.

Tommy had two bottles to go, one of vodka and the other of tequila. He opened the one containing vodka and turned it over, not hearing the soft footsteps making their way towards him. There was still half of the liquid left in the bottle when the slim pair of arms slipped around his waist, startling him and causing him to release his grasp on the glass bottle, which plummeted downward, shattering into thousands of tiny fragments as it crashed into the stainless steel.

They both jumped at the sharp sound, their hearts pumping fanatically inside of them, making the blood pound through their veins. Once their breathing had slowed, Tommy turned around to face the one whose arms were still encompassing his waist.

She looked up into his eyes. "Oh, baby, I'm sorry for coming up behind you like that. I just wondered what you were doing out here at this time. Let me clean it up, it was my fault in the first place."

She released her grip on him and tried to move around him to she could begin cleaning up the broken glass in the sink. She began reaching for the towel that was hanging nearby on a rack, but he reached up and captured her wrists before she could grab it. Confused, she maneuvered back around to face him.

He still held onto her wrists as he gazed into her eyes, inwardly smiling at the evident confusion he found in them. Tommy moved towards her, forcing her back against the wall. She continued to question him with her eyes but he just returned her gaze. He pulled her arms up over her head and pinned them against the wall with one hand. She finally broke his gaze and looked back over at the sink.

Noticing the direction of her eyes, he began to lean closer towards her. With his free hand, he gently grabbed her face and turned it back towards his own. Her eyes were still trying to figure him out. He smiled at her and spoke in a soft voice, "Don't worry about it."

She closed her eyes for a moment as he continued to lean into her. When she opened them again, her mouth opened as well. In a whisper she asked, "Tommy, what are you doing?"

He was becoming closer and closer. Finally, when his face was only inches from hers, he answered in the same tone that she had asked.

"What I want to do for the rest of my life..."

And then there was no space between them. His lips had finally reached their destination, and they weren't leaving anytime soon. He brought her arms down so they were locked around his neck before he picked her up. Their lips still connected, she wrapped her legs around him and continued to let him take the lead. Walking backwards, they bumped and banged around the house until reaching their final destination, where their bodies became one, just like their hearts.

xxxxx

She'd never get tired of this feeling--the two of them tangled up in the sheets, the powerful scent of their mixed sweat, the steady rise and fall of his breathing. But most of all, she'd never get tired of laying in his arms, naked, with her head against his chest, listening to his heart beat. She smiled to herself and soaked it all in, trying to figure out how she had ever lived without this.

He eventually began to stir. The sun had come up and was shining through the windows, reflecting off of the beautiful hair that was spilled across his chest. Seeing this, he smiled and began to stroke it, relishing the incredible feel of its soft, silky texture.

She was still awake when he finally awoke. Once he began stroking her hair, she flipped over and made a trail of kisses up his rock hard stomach until she reached his lips, where she possessed them with her own. After a little while they broke apart and she laid back down on him. He spoke first.

"Hey."

"Hey."

That was all they needed to say. Each knew what the other was thinking and feeling. Words were useless between them because their hearts spoke for them. But there was something else on her mind.

"Tommy, what were you doing in the kitchen earlier?"

He sighed, but there was a smile on his face as he answered. "Pouring all of the alcohol in this house down the drain."

She rolled her eyes at him in a playful manner. "I figured that much out, I just don't know _why_ you were doing that."

He remained silent for a moment. She could tell he was actually thinking about it and not stalling, so she remained quiet while he gathered his thoughts.

"I had a dream last night. Actually, a nightmare is a more appropriate title. Anyway, in it, there was this girl, a girl that I cared about a lot. I would do anything for her, she was my life, my angel. I loved her more than anything else in the world, and it scared the hell out of me because I'd never felt like that before."

He took a deep breath and looked down at the masterpiece lying in his arms. She met his eyes and nodded, telling him to continue.

"Things between us were perfect...for a while. Then something changed and everything just went downhill. It was mostly my fault, I guess, but I couldn't see that. She tried so many times to point it out to me, to help me, but I was in denial and refused everything that anyone said to me. Still, she stuck with me. But I began to resent, not exactly her, but what she was trying to do. I didn't want to believe that I was in the wrong, that I was the one responsible for all of our problems.

"I ended up taking it all out on her, and it took its toll. You could tell--she wasn't as patient as she used to be, she was always stressed, she didn't laugh or smile as much, and she was so tense. But I still didn't change. Finally, she took matters into her own hands one night and ended it. I couldn't stand being the one rejected, but what I couldn't stand more was her leaving, for good. But I didn't tell her that. I went about everything the wrong way, and in the end I...I-I...I hurt her. I mean _really_ hurt her."

She could figure out the rest of what he was going to say, so she laid her finger on his lips to let him know that she understood. Tommy paused for a moment, and when she removed her finger he continued.

"That dream, it was like, a wake-up call for me, a warning. The big problem was alcohol. And I don't want that to actually happen, because as much as you might deny it, it could. My dad had a problem with it, and I could end up like him just as easily. So I poured it all down the sink because I don't want anything to ever get in the way of us, I _won't_ let anything get between us."

At this she smiled and squeezed him tighter. They both became lost in their thoughts for a few moments, but she came up with another question.

"Hey Tommy, can I ask you something else?"

"Sure...but I can't guarantee that I'll give you the right answer," he said with a wink.

"Who was the girl in your dream? What was her name?"

"Why don't you take a guess."

"Oh, come on, Tommy, you know I suck at games like these."

"I know...but it's fun to watch you try. And if you get it right I might give you something."

"Oooh, present...Ok, then. Would I happen to know this girl?"

"You might."

"That's not really helping me, Tommy."

"You're the one that's supposed to be guessing."

"Why can't you just tell me? Please?"

"Now why would I do that? It'd take all the fun out of it."

"Because if you don't then these legs are staying closed until you tell me."

"Oh-ho, is that supposed to be a threat?"

"It might be."

"Is that so?"

"Well, whether it really is or not all depends on if you're willing to take the chance."

She got him there and they both knew it. Without warning, he grabbed her and flipped them over so he was on top.

"Hey, what was that for?" she asked, not really minding the change in their positions.

"I don't like losing and you have too much control of this situation already, so I thought I'd balance things out a little. That okay with you?"

She smiled and laughed, completely comfortable underneath his large frame with the knowledge that he'd never hurt her. "It's _definitely_ ok with me. Now answer the question. What was her name?"

He looked straight into her eyes as he replied. "Jude."

"Jude?" she repeated. He nodded. "I thought you said I probably didn't know her."

"No, I said you _might_ know her. Do you?" he asked with a slight smirk.

"I might," she teased.

"Uh-huh, and what do you think of her?"

"Well, I think she..."

And that's where she stopped. Tommy, realizing what she was trying to do, began to tickle her.

"Tommy! Tommy, stop!" she gasped out between giggles.

"I will when you finish your sentence."

"Ok, ok, just let me breath for a minute."

He finally stopped tickling and just stared at her beautiful face, now rosy and flushed because she had been laughing.

"Ok, I think Jude..."

She stopped there again, laughing at the way Tommy's eyes practically popped out of his head when she didn't continue. Figuring she had put him through enough torture already, she finally completed her thought.

"I think Jude is married to the best man that has ever existed. She loves him more than life itself and wants to be by his side for forever and after."

After hearing this, Tommy leaned all the way down and pressed his lips against the ones that waited beneath his. After a minute, he barely pulled away, but it was just enough for him to get out his own thoughts.

"I love you, too, Mrs. Quincy, and I'll never leave you, ever."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Their lips connected again, but she pulled away this time.

"Where's my present?"

Still a little dazed, he questioned, "What present?"

"The one you said you'd give me if I guessed right."

"Oh, that present. You want it now, then?"

She smiled up at him. "Mmhmm."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay...you asked for it."

With that he pulled the blankets back over them and gave her the present she asked for, and one she'd never forget.

xxxxx

Once again, she cherished the feeling of just being with him, except this time he was awake and enjoying it with her.

"Thanks for telling me, Tommy."

"I'll always tell you anything you ask me, Jude. There's no secrets between us, just like we promised each other at the alter two months ago."

"I know. But I'm glad to know that you'll give up anything that could stand between us."

"Of course I will. You're my number one, in everything."

"No, I'm not...I'm your twenty-one." She gave him a soft, gentle kiss on the lips. "It only took five years, but I finally am," she added.

"Yeah, you are, and you're never getting away from me."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

They became silent again, content to just be with each other. But something suddenly occurred to Tommy.

"Hey! Jude, you little sneak! You didn't even answer the question right and I gave you your present!"

At this Jude burst out laughing. "I was wondering when you were going to notice that." He just glared at her. "Well, it's too late to take it back, so what are you going to do about it now?"

"Absolutely nothing."

She raised her eyebrows at this. That wasn't something the Tommy she knew would do.

"Why not?"

He gathered her up in his arms as he answered. "Because it wasn't just a present for you..."

Tommy winked at her when she looked up at him.

"Now who's the sneaky one?"

"Both of us. That's why we're so good together."

Jude glanced at the clock. _11:04 AM. _She jumped out of bed, reluctant as she was to leave Tommy's arms.

"Crap, Tommy, look at the time! We were supposed to be at the studio an hour ago!"

He looked, then shrugged. "We had better things to do," Tommy replied with a grin.

Jude just rolled her eyes, exasperated. After pulling her jeans on but still without a shirt, she walked around to the other side of the bed. She jumped up on it and, using her foot, cleanly rolled Tommy off it, laughing at the thud and ensuing groan.

Before Jude knew what was happening, Tommy had popped back up from the floor and grabbed her ankles and yanked her feet out from under her. That resulted with her flat on her back on the bed, and then Tommy climbing back over her and tugging her pants off..

He grinned like a devil when he spoke. "Looks like they're going to have to wait a little longer for you, my dear..."


End file.
